Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
