i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
