Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
