It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
