I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
