Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
