i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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