Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
