I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
