i can't believe i had my finger in that
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
