if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
