: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
