She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Do vagina's smell?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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