So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
