we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
