So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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