I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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