I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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