i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I can't put those talents on a resume
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
