It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
