Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
