listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Randomize
