Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
