so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Randomize
