life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
