His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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