she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
