i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
