Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize