Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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