Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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