I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
