I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
