Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
