so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize