you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
