I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
