I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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