You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
