I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Is Oprah even human
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
