I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
