Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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