I wannas sexs uuuuu
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
