My liver just broke up with me...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Randomize