i think my tv is drunk
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
