dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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