why didn't you poke me back
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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