if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
