when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
