So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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