I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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