this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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