Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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