she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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