Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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