Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
