I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
they're like a gay fantastic four
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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