he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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