He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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