Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
