Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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