Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
