when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
