I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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