we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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