What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
