I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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